This blog, which began as a piece I started writing around the end of 2009, is meant for those who already know me. I wanted to be able to speak with my own voice, rather than to spend a lot of time and effort trying to create an appropriately beautiful and felicitous expression. I didn’t think I could do it anyway, so what you will get is my regular voice with its sometimes pompous dissertations on my favorite ideas, its sometimes self-deprecating emotional pieces and its jumping around from one thing to another without proper transitions. I have given up on the idea of “writing a book” in favor of just telling my story. Hopefully it will convey the sense of process, since it is the inner process of spiritual unfolding that interests me.

I have received some feedback from old friends who take exception to some of my characterizations of Siddha Yoga and the Buddhist teachings. I do not claim to be right - it is just my story.

I wanted to show how an apparently inexplicable set of events in an apparently inexplicable order can somehow end up with a happy outcome. I believe that the mystery of life, present always and in all things, is ever working its divine magic in our lives, however ordinary they may appear.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Chapter 9: Practice

Walking the Walk

When I first met Chagdud Rinpoche at the gonpa, I told him about my life in Siddha Yoga. Although I didn’t criticize Baba, I did say that there were some political difficulties. It turned out that he had several old Baba devotees among his followers and had heard a lot about him. He made a point of looking me in the eye and instructing me, “You must always honor all your teachers and hold them in high regard and esteem. You can’t make any progress without this.” At that very moment I vowed to try to accomplish this and never to lose sight of this key piece of advice.

As I went along, consciously trying to regard all my teachers with love, honor and respect, I began to see that this did not hold true just for those who were my teachers in an outer or formal way, but for all those with whom I had any connection, positive or negative. This perception raised the bar considerably.

I could talk the talk, but I knew that I could not really walk the walk. I felt I had a long way to go in so many areas. I was filled with judgments and opinions. I knew that I was far from embodying the teachings of non-duality in my life. I could understand them intellectually but did not live from them at every moment. I could expound the philosophical ideas. For example, I could assert that all is one, or that all is perfect, but all of my actions did not arise out of this place.

I could explain to others, and often did, that Baba’s apparent anger, desire, jealousy and pride were not real, but were just an outer show or play. My own anger, desire, jealousy and pride. however, did not feel perfect. Just saying that everything is perfect did not, I felt, relieve me of the responsibility of actually transforming my negative emotions. I know that verbally affirming non-duality is a path of understanding for some, but to me it did not feel completely honest or sufficient. I really wanted to transform, so I needed a practice which provided that possibility.

Baba used to tell the story of the student who one day received a new teaching from his guru. It was, “Speak the truth and don’t get angry.” The next day in the guru’s class of students, he was asked to recite this teaching from the day before. He could only say, “Speak the truth…” and could go no further. On each successive day, he was called on to recite, but still could only repeat, “Speak the truth….” Days went by and he was unable to complete the teaching.

Finally one day as the student again recited, “Speak the truth,” and then paused, the guru lost patience with this apparently dull-witted disciple and beat him with his stick. At that point the student smiled and finished the sentence, “and don’t get angry.” He then explained that it wasn’t until that moment – when he felt no anger while being beaten - that he had truly imbibed the teaching. This is what I wanted for myself.

The Poisons of the Ordinary Mind

While at the gonpa, I heard that rigpa, or Awareness, does not coexist with the poisons of the mind. There can be the display or appearance, but not any identification with them. At least this was my understanding of the teachings. This, then, provides a test. It is one way to determine whether or not you are making or have made any progress on the path. If your anger, jealousy, pride, etc have lessened, then there is progress. If they still exist, then there is more inner work to be done.

It is said that while there may be appearances of anger, pride or greed in a highly realized being, the seeds of these neurotic tendencies have been eradicated. They are said to be burnt seeds which cannot sprout and create karma. This teaching is nearly the same for Hindus and Buddhists, although the Buddhists might say there is no suffering for enlightened beings.

How to tell whether or not the seeds are burnt is a good question. I think it is something you feel in yourself. It may be similar to the distinction in meditation between having thoughts pass through the mind without pursuing or identifying with them and being engrossed and lost in them.

I studied Jin Shin Jyutsu while I stayed at the gonpa and in that study there is a focus on harmonizing the “attitudes,” which in that system are listed as worry, fear, anger, sadness, and “trying to” or pretension. There I learned that anger separates the soul from the body and is therefore highly detrimental to a spiritual experience.

The Buddhist teaching on anger is similar. Of all the poisons of the mind, it is said to be the worst one. It is said to destroy all accumulated virtue and can lead to rebirth in a hell realm. There is no need to posit a hell realm in the future, for to live with an angry mind is truly a present hell.

In the mahayana, one works on the poisons of the mind by cultivating the corresponding virtues, the paramitas, which include humility, generosity, patience, etc. When I came to the gonpa, I wanted to work on my vehicle, my personality. That is still my focus, these days not so much because I am suffering from the personality, but more so that I can really help others.

I used to spend time analyzing and internally debating philosophical issues, but learned to simplify my mind by staying away from these tedious contemplations - such as whether or not there was or was not karma or even whether or not there were enlightened beings - and just focusing on my own situation and steadily moving toward less and less suffering.

At this point, I am looking for integration, and not for higher and higher states of consciousness. The Buddhists describe many levels of attainment in great and amazing detail. The highest state of buddhahood is said to be characterized by many divine qualities such as complete omniscience of past, present and future.

My take on all this is that these descriptions of buddhahood are beyond “regular” enlightenment, whatever that is. These distinctions, and even the question of what enlightenment is, are not particularly important to me at my level. I do not envision, nor long for, omniscience and the full array of siddhis which are said to accompany perfect buddhahood. At the moment, I am happy just to keep lessening the poisons of the mind.

Levels

One can easily get the impression that the traditional unfolding of the spiritual path is in a kind of sequence, beginning with the introductory levels or yanas and moving along as one accomplishes each step. That is not how it appears to be happening today and I wonder if it ever really happened that way. Most westerners don’t want to start at the “beginning” but want the higher teachings immediately.

Since seekers are at different levels and have differing capabilities when they begin to work with a teacher, the practice of the path is always an individual process. At the same time that one is cultivating wisdom through the path of dzogchen, the cultivation of the paramitas can also be also going on. When a teacher sees that some remedial work is needed, he can assign the appropriate practices or teachings.

It often happens that a student is sent to another teacher for some important piece of work. I found it very refreshing to see that the lamas did not jealously try to hold on to their students and prevent them from studying with other teachers. Lama Drimed often expressed the feeling that he was very happy for his students to find something they could really learn and grow from, whatever it was.

There was a similar opportunity for people around Baba, who taught all levels of the path simultaneously. He presented teachings on the physical level (hatha yoga), on the emotional level (bhakti yoga), and on the intellectual level (jnana yoga). He also said that Siddha Yoga, the path that unfolds spontaneously in the presence of a siddha guru, is the ultimate yoga. People just gravitated to the practices that suited their temperaments and the unfolding proceeded individually on an inner level.

With the Buddhists, I learned in a more systematic way, but the end result was the same. Again, people gravitated to the aspects of the various systems that suited their temperaments and were appropriate to where they were in their journeys. It was satisfying, however, to have the clarification and the big picture. Even more importantly, it was comforting to have personal guidance based on one’s own history and development.

Ethical Discipline

During the World Parliament of Religion in Melbourne in 2009, I attended a private dinner with Swami Shankarananda at which there was a lively discussion between Andrew Cohen and two of the swamis who run the “Hinduism Today” magazine.

The discussion turned to the practices on the spiritual path. Palaniswami said at one point that he teaches the yamas and niyamas since people need a base on which to build. These are the very first or preliminary teachings of yoga and have to do with the cultivation of qualities helpful on the path, such as self discipline, and various types of purity.

I resonated with this approach. Although I had read a lot about the yamas and niyamas – basically the dos and don’ts of yoga – I never heard Baba teach on them. They cover such things as rules against lying and stealing. I also noticed that they were not particularly observed around him.

Just as I believed Rinpoche when he told me that I couldn’t make any progress on the path without honoring all my teachers, I believe that one cannot make real progress on the path, as I understand it, without some training in what is called ethical discipline.

This is more a practical concern than an ethical concern for me. As a teacher, I have a great interest in discovering what it is that will help a student learn and grow. I spend a lot of energy analyzing and contemplating what is helpful and useful - what actually produces harmony, integration and happiness - as students move along a spiritual path. One of my conclusions is that training in the moral qualities and virtues is extremely useful.

There is a debate among the Tibetans on the topic of whether to allow students to bypass the preliminary practices of the ngondro and jump to the highest teachings, or to require the completion of the traditional ngondro practices before being initiated into the path of dzogchen. Traditionally each candidate must complete the ngondro as a prerequisite for receiving dzogchen initiation. The ngondro is a time-consuming set of 5 practices – 111,000 of each – which includes full prostrations.

Some Tibetan and western teachers permit students to forego this requirement, wholly or in part, for various reasons. Chagdud Rinpoche did not. In many ways he was “old school,” in that he felt it was important for students to have completed their ngondro before they could study dzogchen.

When I moved into the gonpa, the ngondro was required and I just accepted this. I knew I had to do it in order to be initiated into dzogchen. That was what I wanted, so I just plunged in. I don’t know if it did me any good in the way it was intended. Although I made efforts to get into the essence of it and really do it properly, there was, I have to admit, a lot of focus on the counting and just getting it done. The goal-oriented aspect of my personality was certainly intact at the completion of the ngondro.

Tests on the Path

The ngondro is designed to purify the candidate and render him or her fit for the highest teachings. Although there are esoteric explanations of what and how each practice purifies, on a purely psychological level it was evident to me that it was also a test of will power, diligence, commitment, and other mental qualities necessary for a true spiritual path to enlightenment.

If a person can’t finish the requirement after many years, what is the reason? It is usually some psychological block – perhaps including resentment of the requirement itself. Whatever the block, it must be overcome to proceed along the path, so it is a useful test.

Baba used to tell a Sufi story about a seeker who went to a guru for teachings and enlightenment. The guru sized him up and prescribed a task. He gave him a box and told him to take it to another guru who lived some distance away. Under no circumstances should he open the box. Along the way, the seeker was overcome with curiosity and temptation and decided to sneak a tiny peak at the contents of the box.

As he lifted one corner just a tiny bit, a little mouse darted out and scurried away. The seeker had no recourse but to continue on to the other guru. On receiving the empty box, the second guru, lectured him, “How can you hold the sacred teachings, when you can’t even hold on to a small mouse??!!” This story makes the point that there are qualities of character that are necessary for embarking on the ultimate path of one’s life.

The ngondro is certainly much more than a test. It includes the profound practices of taking refuge and the vow not to harm beings, the generation of the attitude or motivation of a bodhisattva, confession and purification of non-virtue, symbolic offerings to increase generosity, and prayers and practices to merge one’s mind with the guru.

Some very high and well-intentioned lamas feel that it is more compassionate and generous to offer the precious higher teachings to westerners who may not be inclined to take on the requirement of the ngondro, than to withhold the teachings in adherence to tradition. Some require the ngondro to be done at some point but not necessarily before receiving any teachings.

Had I the choice to make, I probably would fall out on the side of the less traditional lamas and err on the side of compassion and generosity, but I do appreciate Chagdud Rinpoche’s point of view and know that it came from compassion and generosity far greater than mine. He believed that it was, in the long run and with all things considered, the most beneficial path for a student to take.

Sadhana Practice

One feature which I embraced at the beginning of my stay with the Buddhists, but which later fell away was sadhana practice. The word sadhana was used around Baba to refer to all practice on the path and even the path itself. With the Buddhists, it referred to specific liturgies centered on a particular deity. The texts were referred to as sadhanas. So there was a Red Tara sadhana, a Throma sadhana and a Vajrakilaya sadhana, in addition to many others.

These sadhanas were chanted in Tibetan, although all the mantras were in Sanskrit, the sacred language of India. There were many components, some much more elaborate than others. These included preliminary invocations, meditation on emptiness, visualization of the seed syllable, visualization of the deity, mantra repetition, offerings, praises, dissolution of the visualization, meditation on the formless, dedication and aspiration prayers. The practice could take hours and the language was beautiful and inspiring.

I imagined that there had once been or perhaps even still were similar practices in Hinduism. I had done chants to various deities, such as Shiva, Vishnu, and Lakshmi, but these were generally hymns of praise. There were neither visualizations nor all the other components.

The idea behind these elaborate sadhanas was to create in one’s mind a sacred reality, to participate in it, and then to dissolve it into emptiness. This mirrored the human experience of living in an elaborate outer reality. It used our human nature and experience to uplift us into a higher or sacred reality. There were accompanying mudras or gestures of the hands and fingers and the use of ritual implements such as the bell and dorje. In the Throma (or Kali) sadhana, we used a special two sided drum and a horn made from a human thigh bone, which was thrillingly dramatic.

As inspiring and evocative these ritual practices were, they were not, however, to be a sustained part of my practice. I wanted to do them when I was inspired or in the mood but not to be held to a daily commitment that was binding irrespective of one’s psychological state. I wanted a core practice that was on a more inner or psychological level.

I had always admired zen for its stripped-down-to-essence quality. For this reason, it was dzogchen in combination with the psychological aspects of the bodhisattva path which ultimately became my practice. I liked the fact that these practices were invisible and totally portable.

Some of the prayers, visualizations and mantras, however, have remained with me. When I sit I sometimes see Guru Rinpoche and recite the 7 line prayer which evokes his presence and blessings. At other times I see Bhagawan Nityananda and repeat the mantra of his lineage, Om Namah Shivaya. I often pray to the Divine Mother in Her various guises. The connection to the blessings of the great mahasiddhas and the divine shakti is the greatest treasure that I possess.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you, Girija, I relate to everything you say. Speaking of the "poisons of the mind," I don't consider feelings and thoughts to be the enemies. They are information and necessary for survival. What trips me up is either holding on to the feelings or pushing them away then becoming numb or judging against them and myself. Feelings naturally move & they need to flow. Still, there's a fine line between allowing the feelings to flow and then going too far with them. Still working on that.

    I too long for integration. Desiring high states of Buddha-hood seems to me rather theoretical and disconnected...

    Seems like the old Siddha Yoga path and the Buddhist path can be a perfect balance. I appreciate how you have chosen traditional paths and great challenges. I love hearing about different practices & focuses of Buddhism from you. I also love hearing the Baba tales & telling it like it is/was. I love hearing about your inner world reflections and how you were moved by various experiences.

    I send you all my love, Girija! You are a wonderful teacher & you have helped me a great deal in so many ways. Thanks so much, Carry on! ♥ ♥ ♥

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