Insert After Chapter 6: Once Again Into the River

Greetings from Santa Fe

Although I had planned to post 11 chapters, one each week, something has come up which necessitates a change in the schedule. Once again I have jumped into the river and there is a new chapter in my life unfolding. I have rather suddenly decided to move back to the US, so I am inserting a piece here about that. Next week, I plan to continue posting chapters of my “what I got from the Buddhists” piece.

A few months ago, I was invited to a swami reunion to be held June 11-13 in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Swami Chetanananda graciously and generously offered to buy me a ticket and I have been planning that trip. I was to spend a few extra days in Santa Fe, then go the Bay Area to visit family and friends, finally to the gonpa for 5 days and then back to Australia. Now it seems that I will stay in the US and not return to Australia.

This change in my life course has come about, directly and indirectly, because of this blog. Although I sensed that it might bring up some shifts and surprises, I was not aware of what would arise and how it would play out. As reactions arose and things played out, the desire to have my own spiritual work came strongly to the fore. It had, of course, been in the back of my mind ever since meeting Baba and has undergone numerous permutations.

Inner Revelation

My credo has always been that one needs an outer sign. I have had inner intuitions over the decades, but never a clear cut outer sign. The recent change came, however, from an inner revelation and I knew it was time to give up looking for something outside myself to validate, confirm, or command. It was time to take full responsibility for my life and just do what I felt I had to do. It suddenly became clear that it was independent work and furthermore, that it was time to just do it.

The revelation was not the result of a thought process, but more like a whole picture descending in a flash of light. The feeling was both ecstatic and peaceful at the same time. There was a vast field of love surrounding it all and I was certain that this was a true revelation. It was clear that I would leave the Shiva Ashram and go out on my own to begin my own work. At some future point I may write more about this revelation.

I had come to Australia, as I have told many, to deal with the one relationship in my life which felt unresolved, - the relationship with Swami Shankarananda, my ex husband. This has happened. I feel at peace with this profoundly karmic relationship. There is great love between us and he is continuing to offer help for which I am very grateful. I am grateful for my time here, for his Ashram, for all the beautiful people who are members of his sangha, for Devi Ma’s motherly care, for the opportunities to begin teaching meditation and discovering my authentic voice.

There are many people in this community who have given me great love and I know that this is due in large part to Swamiji’s grace. Because he loves me, they are inclined to join in and give their love to me. I am also grateful for the various pressures he and Devi Ma applied, whether consciously or unconsciously, which have brought the issue of my place in the universe into clarity.

It has become clear that their work, which I applaud, is not my work. It is time for me to move into my own work. I envision that it will incorporate the many strands of my inexplicable spiritual path – Baba’s work, what I got from the Buddhists, Jin Shin Jyutsu, counseling, astrology, the enneagram, and maybe even NLP and hypnotherapy. Above all is the motivation to be of benefit to others on the spiritual journey.

Impermanence

I keep trying to settle down, unpack all my stuff and have a permanent home. I cringe when I write the word “permanent.” If there was one word I heard the most frequently while at the gonpa it would have to be the word “impermanence.” While I know that everything is impermanent, there is also a desire to settle and to rest. The conclusion I have come to is that every moment contains rest and peace and at the same time the dynamism of change and becoming. Every moment is the whole of life, the union of Shiva and Shakti, Wisdom and Compassion.

Part of my recent revelation is that it is time to let go of stuff. I did the practice of imagining myself leaving everything behind and being more of a wandering sadhu. As I tried this on, I saw that it is not the stuff itself I have to let go of but the attachment to it and the worry over dealing with it. It really is simple. Whatever might be useful or beneficial can stay and whatever is superfluous must go. So packing becomes a meditation.

Once again it is time to jump into the river. Although there is much in me that resonates with the mode of renunciation, there is also a strong Cancerian part that wants to feather a nest and a very cosy one at that. This reclusive crab carries a big house on her back, wherever she moves.

I have lost count of the many many moves I have made in this life. After my revelation to leave, I consulted the I Ching and got The Wanderer. Interestingly, the very first time I ever consulted the I Ching, which was on the eve of my first arrival at Baba’s Ganeshpuri ashram in March, 1971, I got the Wanderer and the Creative. It seemed auspicious at the time. And now when I got it again, almost 40 years later, it also seems auspicious.

This time I am really going into the unknown. My mind keeps moving all over a map in my head. It goes to all the places I have lived and the places where I have friends. It hovers here and there spinning possible scenarios. But it doesn’t land anywhere. Not yet. It is not the place, however, which is important, nor the convenience or inconvenience. It is not about the possibilities that may be offered. This time it is really about what I want to offer, rather than about what I might receive.

The Awakener

The decision or revelation arrived on May 14. A week and a week later at the May 22 satsang program in Australia, I was sitting in the hall and began to look at the large “shaktipat photo” of Baba which was right in my line of vision. I usually just take it for granted and don’t look at it closely. But for some reason my gaze fell on it and it began to move and come alive - just like it had the first time I saw a large photo of Baba in New Delhi in 1970 at Mohini Amma’s place.

This happened before we met Baba. My husband and I were helping Bhagawan Das get his visa renewed and had come down to Delhi from Neem Karoli Baba’s place in the mountains to ask Mohini Amma’s husband, a government official, for help. My husband, Danny Goleman and Bhagawan Das went off to the government office and I stayed back at the house. I asked her if there were someplace in her house where I could sit and read and she took me up to the roof to her satsang room. It was lovely and had a beautiful and highly charged atmosphere. I sat down on a cushion facing a large photo of Baba.

As I looked at it, it came alive and smiled at me. I was astonished. It was like the psychedelic experiences I had had before our quest in India. I knew I hadn’t had any psychedelic drugs of any kind for months, and so I was surprised at the aliveness and movement in the photograph before me. I wondered if perhaps he were my guru. It turned out that he was.

Now again, in Australia, Baba was twinkling and smiling at me. I knew he was pleased with my decision. The thought entered my mind, “He is the Awakener.” His power to awaken, to enliven the spiritual energy, was undiminished. As I continued to gaze, there was the sense of union, the certainty that he and I were one energy, one purpose though with different outer forms. I knew this had always informed my life and would continue to inform my spiritual work, however it would unfold.

I have faith in the Mother of the Universe, who in all her manifestations is my chosen deity - my ishta devata or yidam. She has always held me closely, and is always available, leading me to the next perfect place. Around Baba, and also at the Shiva Ashram, we daily chant the ancient formula “Om purnamidam purnamadah purnat, purnamudacyate purnasya purnamadaya purnameva vashishyate.” Roughly translated it affirms, “This is perfect; that is perfect. If from the perfect the perfect is taken, the perfect remains.” And it ends with peace - Om shantih, shantih, shantih – which is the fruit of the awareness of perfection.